In case you haven’t heard, Sony is planning a Men in Black 3 (in 3D, of course). Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, and director Barry Sonnenfield are all returning to the secret, quasi government agency for a May 25, 2012 release. I couldn’t wait that long and curiosity took over, so I took a look at an undated draft by Etan Cohen for the sequel. The same one that Josh Brolin, who will also star in the third installment, called “really, really good.”
Like all scripts, details are subject to change (look what’s happening to Scream 4), so there’s that obvious disclaimer. Here’s what I thought of the screenplay:
Following the formula of the second film, MIIIB opens on an introduction to the central villain. He’s named Yaz in the script, but the character has reportedly been renamed to Boris and will be played by “Flight of the Conchords” star Jemeine Clement (pictured right).
Yaz is described as an “evil hippie/biker badass right out of Easy Rider” with “a huge mane of hair” and “a big handlebar mustache that frames his grubby unshaven face.” These features are all “strangely alive” and we later learn Yaz is an assembler, meaning his independent body parts are capable of reattaching themselves after a fight.
Like Lara Flynn Boyle’s Serleena, Yaz is established away from the Men in Black. In this case, far away. Yaz’s girlfriend, referred to as “Devil Girl,” brings him a cake in a maximum security prison… on the Moon. As desserts tend to do when they’re brought into a prison, it carries tools for his escape. Two aliens spring from the icing and attach to Yaz like sidearms, which he uses to dispatch the guards and begin his action-packed break out.
Meanwhile, on Earth, Jay and Kay are exchanging witty repartee in Chinatown where a slug is serving alien fish to unsuspecting humans and passing it off as tuna. Only something’s up. Fishy, even. Suddenly, as Willem Dafoe screamed in Boondock Saints, “There was a firefight!” 
Explosions, aliens, and fish are all flying in close quarters combat. Kay and Yaz eventually face off outside, where we learn of an old beef involving Yaz’s brothers, but Jay saves the day by blowing away Kay’s nemesis just in time. Only Yaz pieces himself back together and escapes.
Crisis averted once again, Jay goes to MIB bowling night where he plays against, what else, aliens. Chief Zed is there, which means Rip Torn may be back despite his wild antics involving a bank burglary, a firearm, and a lot of booze.
After a night of his own celebration, Jay returns to MIB headquarters to find himself in an alternate reality where his partner is dead (!) and Agent Kay is instead played by… Clint Eastwood. That’s in the script, but probably a long shot considering the 80-year-old legend retired from acting in 2008 and hasn’t acted outside of his own films since 1993’s In the Line of Fire. I highly doubt he’ll come out of retirement for MIB3, but a boy can dream.
Kay’s untimely death means a “sophisticated” Earth defense system was never built to stop missiles that are now hurtling towards the planet. In order to rescue humanity and revive his friend, Jay has to travel back to 1969 and stop Yaz from murdering Kay in the past.
Jay finds Obadiah — sorry, no Tony Shalhoub this time – an illegal time traveler selling bootlegs of Spider-Man 8 starring a chubby Tobey Maguire. It’s a funny plug for Sony’s other successful series, even if Andrew Garfield is the new Spider-Man, but that product placement isn’t as bad as the time travel device: an Apple iPhone. (Don’t grip the side.)
In the ’60s — think science fiction “Mad Men” — Jay immediately faces race relations. People think he’s a bathroom attendant or an errand boy, which makes it easier to “borrow” a Cadillac from a trusting secretary. He has the last laugh when he leans over to an old racist — think Mel Gibson — and say, “Guess what? Black president!”
Jay links up with Agent Kay of 1969 (played by Brolin), who’s investigating dry ice and hitting people over the head to “neuralize” them. (There’s also a funny bit about a giant room-sized neuralizer, one of the many winks for fans.) Again, like Men in Black II, the second act is centered on convincing Kay to assist with pressing MIB matters and developing their “old” rhythm.
The third, and frankly weakest, act is the inevitable showdown between the Men in Black and Yaz. I don’t want to give away the set piece, but think about what iconic scientific event happened in July 1969 and that’ll give you an idea of where they’re headed.
Many of the elements you know and love from the series are back. Kay still uses nicknames for Jay, like “hoss” and “slick,” and delivers the same choppy punchlines as always. It also utilizes the familiar concept that aliens exist in our world, masquerading as ordinary people or celebrities (like Jimi Hendrix).
The finale could use a polish to feel less frantic, but if you enjoyed MIIB you’ll find plenty of entertainment in the threequel. I wouldn’t call it “really, really good” or “f*cking great” like Brolin, but Cohen has nailed the humor and tone of the sci-fi comedy series. Good script. Great cast. Now all it needs is another original Will Smith rap.
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